My Boyfriend Is A Zombie

"Since you're out of town this weekend I am planning on an epic bachelor sleeping weekend. I plan to sleep in nearly every room of my house wearing sweatpants and no shirt. Just kinda like a zombie walking around with a line of blankets and 1-7

pillows."(Straight out of his mouth)

Things I have learned in my life so far (No thanks to Stefan Sagmeister)

Here is a few things I've learned while living my life so far...

1. You do not live in a vacuum - If you fart, someone will smell/hear it.

2. Mac and cheese sauce is better mixed together before putting it in the noodles and no one knows why.

3. The Daily Show is the most fair and balanced news source. They make fun of everyone.

4. Your awkward traits can be seen as attractive and cute if you play your cards right.

5. Transfer awkward moments. If you can make a person feel more awkward then you, mark it as a win.

6. There are 6 billion people on earth, someone will find you attractive.

7. Even if you say your not a hipster, you probably are.

8. Nothing beats a $4 pitcher of PBR.

9. Shuffling is hard.

10. Every girl loves Topanga Lawrence and agrees she had the most beautiful head of hair, but no guy finds her attractive.

11. Sometimes a bag of popcorn and The Office makes a much better companion then any boy/girl.

12. Having a bad day? YouTube "kittens" and "puppies". Watch the videos and they will make you feel instantly better.

13. No one cares to look at 20 thousand photos of you with "nifty" photobooth effects applied.

14. In 2012 we will grow cat legs and wings so we can jump out of the atmosphere and fly to other planets. (Okay, this is more a prediction)

15. Texting and email needs a sarcasm smily face.

16. There is a generation of kids that do not know who N*sync or the Backstreet Boys are, but I'll never forget a word to any of their songs.

17. The planets aren't as cool now that Pluto has been down-graded. My Very Exelent Mother Just Served Us Nine WHAT?

18. Stores should have mirrors that make you look thinner. That way you feel great about all the clothes you try on.

19. People won't believe it is your birthday if it not written on your Facebook.

20. Super glue is impossible to use without glueing one set of fingers together.

21. Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" will never be sung louder and more passionate then in a Michigan stadium, especially if the crowd has been drinking for the past few hours.

In Here It Sparkles

The Overly Enthusiastic "Mmhmm"

My office is set in a closet sized room at the end of a hallway where the closest door to the outside has now been drywalled over due to construction. Not only has the construction blocked the small sliver of sunlight that bounces in from the door, to the hallway, to the tiny window into our office, oh and the fire escape (shucks), it has also lead to a series of small earthquakes, vibrating my cup of pencils, coffee, and the computer screen. Sometimes I like to pretend War of the Worlds is occurring outside. I even play that really loud horn noise the machines make in the Tom Cruise movie version and wonder how heroic I'd be staring down a street of mayhem. I'd think back to every movie I've seen on these types of situations. During the panic, I'd most likely only remember Jurassic Park and try standing still, hoping like the "T-Rex – he'll lose you if you don't move". I'd be wrong of course. Alien attacker machines would of course have heat sensors and blow me away to smithereens.

As exciting as that is, daydreaming only takes up about 1% of my work time. The rest of the day is filled with sweating while printing a project someone wanted completed yesterday and realizing Clients From Hell  is the real deal. In the midst of freaking out, I can still answer the phone and talk to walk-ins like a pro. I greet them with a grossly animated "HI! WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH?!" and realize I'm shouting with joy. "Oh sure, we can CERTAINLY do that... No you're not ANY TROUBLE at all." After they leave, I feel I've completed a lap around the track. My heart rate slows down and my customer service grin quickly shrinks when I see how much work they actually want in such a short period of time. Everyone else is laughing and mocking my overly enthusiastic "Mmhmm"s.

Now don't get me wrong, I really want to help them out and make them the best design ever. The kind of design people weep over. But surely there is a way I can convey this without turning on the crazy eyes and making the clients ears burst. Maybe I should see about personalizing cookie cakes or naming a star after each client to express my gratitude and reassurance their project is in good hands. For the meantime, I'll try to turn down the volume and hand out cotton balls to future newcomers in hopes to muffle out my psychotic hopes to full fill their ever design need.

Red Bull or Sugar-Free Candies

This will offend many of my elderly readers, but I'm old and I have only become old within the last year. Last Fall I was pulling all nighters like it was my job. Well it was kind of my job because I was still an art student and everyone knows you can't do a project without 900 cups of of coffee to keep you up for the next 120 hours while you start your project over and over again. It's true, its in the college application.

Post graduation life is still full of work, stress, parties and fun. It just all gets moved to a different time period you forgot existed. There is an entire group of people that wake up before the sun rises and get tucked into bed after the nightly news. Last night my sister texted me at 11:30 p.m. Like most old people would have, I missed the message because I was already fast asleep, dreaming about shelties walking on their hind legs wearing sneakers, eating ice cream and driving cars. I woke up in the morning and texted her back at 6:00 a.m. to tell her that I was sleeping when I received her message. Her response at 10:00 a.m. was "Haha. I was sleeping when you texted me this morning, you are old!"

After this realization I knew there were two options. One, fight it! Stay young, shoot some red bull into my blood stream and light something on fire to feel alive. Two, give it up. After 20 your body is only beginning to decay anyways. After work today, I'll purchase a handful of lotto tickets and some sugar-free candies, sit on the couch thinking it through as I nod off to Everybody Loves Raymond before 8:00 p.m. I wonder when that next night of Bingo is.

Resourcefully Resourceful

Sitting here, using my broken MacBook, I'm wondering why certain people aren't quite as resourceful as they can be. My backlight is broken on my screen and there is an entire step by step guide online on fixing it yourself. A whole website full of easy questions to narrow down your problem and large photos with big red arrows showing the part they are talking about. It even tells you the part and tools you need to fix it. Now I'm a bit guilty and letting my boyfriend figure this one out, but he is an engineer, he does this stuff for fun. But, I would do it if I had to, at least before I chose to head to the Apple store and have one of the many Geniuses tell me the cost of the repare is the soul of my firstborn child. Who on earth would give up their child's soul so easily? Obviously they would then tell me to buy a new laptop because it only costs me my right arm in addition to the child's soul.

In theory that sounds great, whipping my new laptop out and waving it around at the grocery store with my also new robotic arm (to replace my original one I sold to Apple, of course. It only costs 10 pints of blood.). All the while I'm kicking myself because I know if I just got that one part I could fix my old computer for the cost of those groceries I'm about to buy.

The point is with the internet anything is possible. You get lost, whip out your handy smart phone. You don't have a smart phone? Grab the person's next to you because you are the only person left without one. Can't figure out how to save that file as a .jpg in that program you're on? We have had easy access to computers for the last 15 years people. Use the help function in that program and the six ways to save a file will be listed in bullets. Want to impress your friends with your wealth of knowledge? Google those facts and look sweet....see the trend?

So lets all focus on using the wonderful world of technology, making us appear smarter and helping us all on our way.

The Lisa Frank Effect

Is it weird every time I see a small creature outside I try to coo it over and grab it? No, because one day I'm going to get that creature, hold it, and pet it until it's hair falls out. Every squirrel, rabbit, stray cat, or duck making its way across the sidewalk and into my sights, gets a melodic rhythm of kissing noises just quiet enough no one else arounds me can hear. The animal suddenly stops its playful hop between grassy patches and I suddenly think, "this is the one!".  I inch closer and closer as we lock eyes. I try to tell them they are so cute and explain their increased quality of life while in my arms. At this point, one of two situations occur; the animal's eyes almost bulge out of it's head and they break away in a full sprint or they make a quick movement towards me and I squeal, flinching backwards. I mean really? Like I am going to actually pick up and hold the ravenous animal clawing, scratching, bitting at my hands and face. I guess it is the Lisa Frank effect. You're drawn in by the bug-eyed puppy on the outside pocket folder but you get too close and the rainbow and reflective hologram effect shocks you out of the trance. Either way you end up running away quietly.

Sucking Less

Inspired by my fellow crafter and wonderful designer, Elyse, and in hopes to improve my writing skills, I'm starting a blog. Out of sheer embarrassment, I have kept my public writing short, sweet, and to facebook (where typos are mostly ignored because you are too focused on stalking an ex and refreshing your news feed from 10 seconds ago).  To overcome my fears, I've told myself almost no one will read this. Those that do, know I'm a goof and hopefully you learn to fill in the missing word I leave out in a sentence. So here it goes...

I'm 23, living in the great city of Grand Rapids. I've graduated college, have a pretty sweet, yet stressful job, and a smoking hot boyfriend. What else in life is there? A heluva lot! I'm currently training to run the Disney Marathon, "the most magical 26.2 miles on Earth". I'm also a freelance Graphic Designer, life group leader for some bomb seventh grade girls, getting a master degree, Pinterest enthusiast, and major crafter. Also in the works...future Etsy seller, world traveler, and reader - of that huge list of must read books. If thats not enough, I'm attempting to blog. Long story short, I'm busy. But, who isn't?

I find it hard to say no to things. Being a small city, Grand Rapids has a pretty interesting list of activities and events. If I'm not already doing something, I'll probably be there. I really love being apart of a community and running things from the back end. I do know the importance of "me time", but if its not spent sleeping, it is probably spent cleaning, reading, designing, etc. This all makes me go a little nuts and I might freak out here and there. Luckily, I've got friends that understand and help calm me down with a brew or two.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to write about. Maybe it will be about my daily accomplishments or silly thoughts. It could end up just being a slue of angry message about always spilling coffee on myself no matter the circumstance.

Either way, I have now become one of a million bloggers, just hoping to suck less at communicating the English language.