I'm your regular super busy chick. Putting my brain to work, I though I'd get a leg up from every other busy chick and hire myself a personal assistant. The following is a list of job skills required in order to keep me organized, smooth, and my armpits dry (I tend to perspire excessively when I'm stress).
Loves details - and all those other little annoying things like fine print, hidden fees, and cobwebs. I'm a big picture kinda gal; details always seem a bit fuzzy. I need appointments made, comments liked via facebook, laundry cleaned, and I need to blog and pinterest regularly.
Understands extremely difficult concepts and theories but isn't more than one analogy away from "it's like this cheeseburger..." - I love learning all about Mr. Brainiac's study on string theory. It gives me all those arrogant facts I like to throw in my friends faces and then stick out my tongue while gesturing "Suck it"! But I just don't have the time or the attention to wade through equations and science books, and I can't be seen at the library (it really hurts the rep). I need to be given the instructions to a homemade cryogenics box in a tweet.
Comeback generator - While throwing facts in my friends' faces, things sometimes escalate, name calling ensues, and feelings might get hurt. Those feeling better not be mine, but with comebacks like "Your mom!", "Your face!", or sometimes "Your mom's face!" you can tell I don't win many of those battles. I need someone that can spit comebacks like Busta spits rhymes.
Must be able to see the future - I'm not playing games, I can't keep messing around with predictions, dove chocolate wrappers, or crossed fingers. I need someone that can see the future for, duh, every obvious advantage knowing the future brings. Plus I really want to know when the hoverboard and flying car will actually be possible. It looks like the expected future of 2015 coming a little slower than thought.
Name to face rememberer - Like that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Andy must memorize the names of designers and recite them for Miranda in Paris. Yea, just like that.
Insomniac - I work weird hours. There is no telling when I will feel inspired and because being so organized you might "like" having a schedule and sleeping 8 hours a night. That just won't do. Sorry!
Photographer - Most of the time many of my good looks are wasted because I don't have an on staff photographer. My facebook profile picture has been looking pretty stale. Not to mention, how will anyone know I'm so busy if it goes undocumented. You're missing thrilling images like, "This one's of me scratching my sweaty armpit with plates of food surrounding me as I type this blog entry" I also want the pictures to have those cool hipster filters, just because.
Pronoun Translater - When I say words like "thing", "it", "that guy with the brown hair" you know exactly what I'm talking about. I see it in my head, I just don't have enough time to find the correct nouns verbally. Side note, because of this, I've thrown out my boyfriends application.
If you are ready to apply, please just leave a comment and I'll get in touch with you for 3-4 extensive interviews and a background check. I can't pay you in money, but I can always pay in love and a great reference on your resume.
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